My sister, Robynn

My sister Robynn just passed away, and I’m heartbroken over it.  I have such regrets.  Me.  The person who never thought she’d have regrets over how she treated someone.  I have always prided myself on accepting everyone with their faults and foibles that mirror mine.  I have always known that when family fights  occurred, I would be the one who handed over an olive branch first.

 But with Robynn, I just fucked up.  She was an alcoholic with whom I had become increasingly distant.  We spoke a handful of times a year, and most of our conversations were dominated by Robynn with a rare word added by me.  When I tried to get off the phone, she would demand I continue talking like the time I told her dinner was on the table and the kids and Stacy were waiting for me.  She said, “They can wait.  You can talk to me first.”  Or the one time when early in Stacy’s and my relationship, she talked non-stop for over 18 minutes before I said a single sentence. 

So, while I know that my frustrations were understandable, I am still disappointed in myself for not trying harder.  I wish I had spoken to her more, like when Stacy had gone off to work one morning three years ago, and Robynn and I talked for a couple of hours.  I had one of the most enjoyable conversations I had ever had, and she was optimistic and upbeat.  I know I could have had more of those conversations if only I’d tried harder.

And as we all know, I can’t go back and do it over again.  Since June 7th, the day she died, I have gone to bed every night with my last thought of her.  I have woken every morning thinking of her.  And my thoughts are always of regret and the simple fact that she is not around for me to ever get a second chance.  If only…