Correspondence with Julie

By On October 4, 2007 · Leave a Comment

My sister, Julie, and I wrote back and forth today.  This was our email:

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of Robynn.  I remember when I was a kid, I asked Ma if she ever thought of her mother.  She said, “I think of her every day.”  I wonder if she still does?  It seems like I asked her that recently–or thought to.   

I also pray for her every night, and I talk to her both aloud and mentally.  I tell her that I hope she is okay, and that I know she has heard me say it before, but I wish I had one more chance to show her I love her, and to answer her phone when she calls.
I told Ma that you and I have barely spoken since Robynn left us.  I also said that I felt we didn’t because we would end up crying.  In honesty, I am almost afraid to call.  It’s like the elephant in the room that we want to avoid.  I can think about her and talk about her, but to talk to someone who watched in pain as she was so sick, it’s hard to so vividly remember…and perhaps, relive.
I was playing my guitar the other night.  (I started taking lessons again.)  I thought of how Robynn wanted that old Fender for Derek, and I wouldn’t give it to her.  Who knows, maybe one day I’ll give it to him?  Anyway, I remembered how Dave and Derek on that first visit when Robynn was in a coma joked about Bynn’s inability to play the drums.  She thought she was good and kept a good beat, and they thought that while she was good, she had not idea what real drumming was.  And I remembered that she was going to start taking lessons–had even scheduled one but canceled when she started getting sick. 
I sat there playing and tears started falling.  And Stacy came out of the shower, and I just started crying.  I told her that I never even understood her pain, that I wondered how she felt these last six months.  I fucking hate that I don’t have the chance to ask her. 
Last year, I gave the girls an incredibly good Christmas–too much shit, to be honest.  Stacy’s father and stepmother were there as we pulled box after box, bike after scooter, and phone after phone out of the garage storage.  Anne ended up laughing and telling Stacy (who had earlier talked about her generous Christmases) that whatever largess she remembered getting was NOT what she was looking at.  Later, Anne asked what I had given to charity.  Nothing.  I was ashamed.
This year, I plan on giving to two alcohol rehab places.  One is Charlies in Corpus Christi, and it is pitifully sandwiched between the disgusting refineries–stuck because the value of the property is nil.  The other is Mary House here in Austin.  I read in the local paper about a woman much like Bynn who ended up there after very nearly dying.  I envied that she got to live and Bynn didn’t, but also happy that she did and wanting to meet her.  Maybe you can help in some small way, too.
Have a great time at East Hill….I wish I could join you!
Love you,
Dawn
—–Original Message—–
From: Julie
Sent: Thu, October 4, 2007 12:41 pm
To: Dawn
Subject: RE: FW: FW: Please read
   

On Tuesday, I was feeling a little under the weather (very “peaked”) and got thinking about the night Robynn was first admitted into the hospital.  I recalled how I got pulled over by the cop, and began balling about how I’d just learned “my sister wasn’t going to die tonight.”  God that really hit me hard that night.  Then, the tears starting streaming down my face again.
  

For the two months thereafter, it was pure stress, hope, and denial. 
  

I’m sure she is in the right place now (especially hearing that 85% of people out of rehab fail to see it through) – but not a day goes by where I don’t think of her and miss her. 
  

I woke up at 2:30 a.m. this morning and went to sit on the back porch and the little slit of a moon was so bright in a cloud covered sky with one bright star – the same one that gave me hope throughout the ordeal.  The night air was warm and the crickets were chirping and it was so peaceful.
  

In realizing that Robynn’s life was so hard, I decided that we all need to make some time to enjoy it when we can.  So after I dropped Joey at school this morning, I got a Starbucks (spiced pumpkin latte) and went to the park and walked for a half hour and came to work late.  It was worth it and I needed it – I’ve been so stressed out lately.
  

Robynn’s stress and anxiety got the best of her and it literally killed her.  I hope you take some time out to relax and enjoy life this long weekend.
  

Love, Jules =)

From: Dawn
Sent: Thursday, October 04, 2007 12:02 PM
To: Julie
Subject: RE: FW: FW: Please read

Oh, my babies are growing up.  I do love their ages, though–then again, sometimes I don’t!  🙂
Cay’s number is 512-XXX-XXXX.  Since kids live on text messages, those are always welcomed. 
I sat in my office with a long time client who has been sober for 14 years, has alcoholism running rampant (as he said, “My family is ‘et up’ with it.” [eaten up], and lost his mother in January.  We talked about losing someone, and as I told him about Bynn, I started crying. 
Sometimes, my sadness hits me out of the blue. 
I wish we could have done more for her.  I just don’t know if we ever could have.  But I’d give anything to have one more try.
Love you, and hope you all have a wonderful weekend this weekend. 
Dawn   

—–Original Message—–
From: Julie
Sent: Thu, October 4, 2007 11:50 am
To: Dawn
Subject: RE: FW: FW: Please read

Ohmygosh!  How could that have slipped by me!  I can not believe that she is 16 years old now!  It makes me sad how fast they grow up.
  

Hey, I just heard on the radio this morning that only 1 out of 10 people who are
addicted to drugs or alcohol get the help they need.  It said, “start the dialogue” and there is a website run by the Massachusetts public health department that gives tips on how to do that.  If we can learn from Bynn, it’s that we don’t let these things go on and on without being addressed.  Gosh, if only we could have helped her…..
So make sure you “start the dialogue” with your own kids to keep them on the straight and narrow path.  I’m sure they are headed in the right direction, but with temptations of drugs, sex, and alcohol – we have to keep the dialogue open with the ones we care about.
Love ya and Happy B-day to Cay.  I’ll call her later.  What’s her cell phone number?  – Jules =) 

From: Dawn
Sent: Thursday, October 04, 2007 11:41 AM
To: Julie
Subject: RE: FW: FW: Please read

Actually, the disease can actually happen.  Though as Snopes (the “urban legend” test site, snopes.com) says, all these stories have a plausibility to them, though they are often exagerated.   

🙂

Today’s Cay’s 16th birthday! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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